


Not Easy To Love

by tabbytabbytabby



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:14:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22442407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbytabbytabby/pseuds/tabbytabbytabby
Summary: TK struggles with letting himself get close to Carlos.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes (9-1-1 Lone Star)/TK Strand
Comments: 22
Kudos: 351





	Not Easy To Love

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompts “I’m not easy to love.”, "I pretend that a lot of shit doesn’t get to me.” and “Let me take care of you.” from [this list](https://tabbytabbytabby.tumblr.com/post/187424666603/200-random-dialogue-prompts) of prompts. Because I needed something soft and fluffy with these two.
> 
> I've fallen instantly in love with these two, and just could not help myself with writing something for them.

It’s never supposed to mean anything. It’s just sex. That’s all TK can do right now. He can’t get attached or let anyone get close. Not after what happened back in New York. He can’t let himself go down that road again.

He barely knows Carlos, which makes it easy to give into the obvious attraction. The sex is great, sure. But that’s it. Even if part of his still aching heart yearns to get closer. He can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them.

"You and I, we want completely different things. You want commitment and I'm just… I'm not there, okay?" TK can't quite meet Carlos' eyes. It's easier this way. "And you deserve someone who is. Someone who can give you dinners and romance."

"Maybe," Carlos says. He reaches out and hesitantly takes TK's hand in his. "But I don't need those things. I'm fine with not having them. Right now, I just want to know you."

TK gives a bitter laugh. "You might not like me so much once you do."

"I don't believe that," Carlos says. 

TK watches him for a moment, taking in how earnest he looks. Something about Carlos chips away at the walls he's been building up, and that scares him. It makes him want to turn and hightail it out of here. 

He doesn't. 

"I'm not easy to love," TK tells him. 

"I'm not asking for love," Carlos says. "Tonight I'm asking for pizza and football."

TK smiles, "That I can do."

* * *

It's a few weeks later, and they're once again sitting on Carlos' couch, a game playing on the TV that TK has barely been paying attention to. TK shifts, noting how Carlos tracks the movement. They've been here before, multiple times, but something about this feels different.

"I thought I was on the same page with my ex," TK says suddenly, the words he's been holding back spilling out. "Only to find out that while I was thinking marriage, he was out falling in love with someone else."

"Ouch."

"Yeah."

"Dude's an idiot," Carlos says. "You deserve better than that."

TK glances over at him, "And you think that's you?"

Carlos shrugs, "I don't know. All I know is that I would be someone that treats you right. That never fails to remind you how amazing you are.”

“You barely know me.”

“But I want to.”

TK sighs, “I can’t, man. I… I like you. You’re a great guy. But I’m not anywhere near ready for that.”

“I know,” Carlos says. “And that’s okay. But if you need a friend…”

“So what? You want to go from the guy who I let suck my dick to my friend?”

Carlos raises an eyebrow, “Can’t I be both?”

It’s dangerous territory. He knows the whole friends with benefits thing rarely works out. But he does need a friend here. Someone that isn’t his dad. And as much as he likes the people he works with he hasn’t felt that connection with them. Not the way he does with Carlos. He doesn't let himself think about why that is.

“Okay, fine. We’ll be friends.”

"Well that was easy," Carlos says. 

"Do you want me to take it back?"

Carlos grins, "Nope. We're friends now. No take backs."

TK leans into the, running his nose along Carlos' cheek, down to his jaw. He smirks and nips at his skin when Carlos inhales sharply. 

"What are you doing?" Carlos asks him. 

TK looks up at him, pleased by how close to unraveling Carlos already seems to be. "Oh I think you know." TK's hand drifts down his chest to his thigh, his smirk growing when Carlos groans. "Or have you already forgotten just how good I am with my hands?"

"I might need a refresher," Carlos tells him. He brings a hand up to TK's hair and tugs. 

TK's restraint breaks. 

Their kisses are hard and desperate, their hands moving, hunting for bare skin, drawing moans and pleas as they chase the peak of ecstasy they know awaits them. 

TK doesn't leave immediately after. He allows himself a moment to catch his breath, to bask in the closeness of another body, warm and solid, pressed close. But only for a moment, because he knows it can't last. That would only serve to complicate things more. 

"You know, you don't have to go," Carlos says, like he has every time they've done this. The answer is always the same though. It's getting harder to tell him no lately. But it would probably hurt more if Carlos just stopped asking. 

TK turns to him, putting on his best smile. "I can't."

Carlos nods, "I know. But the offer is always there, TK."

TK does something foolish, something that can only make this more confusing. He kisses him. There’s no heat or purpose, apart from the desire to do so. He really needs to get out of here. He turns away, not letting himself look back at Carlos as he heads for the door. "I'll see you around."

* * *

He does not avoid Carlos after that night. If he gets busy or takes a few extra shifts here and there that happen to be on Carlos’ nights off, then that’s just a coincidence. He has no reason to avoid him. Carlos is his friend. A friend he’s been falling for despite his best efforts not to. 

“Avoiding your boyfriend again,” his father says, taking a drink of his water.

TK sighs, “Carlos is not my boyfriend.”

“And yet you knew exactly who I was talking about.”

TK frowns, realizing his dad hadn’t actually said Carlos’ name. TK had just assumed. And yeah, that says a lot. 

“Dad…”

“What? Are you telling me you’re not interested in the guy? I can see the way you look at each other, TK.”

TK is silent for a moment as he stares down at the table. He runs his finger around the ring of water left by his glass. “It’s not that simple, Dad.”

“Because of what happened with Adam,” his dad guesses. When TK nods, he sighs. “I know how much that screwed you up, and that you’re afraid. But you deserve to be happy, TK. And if Carlos makes you happy, then maybe you owe it to both of you to give it a shot.”

“Why does it matter so much to you?” TK asks. He doesn’t mean for it to sound so harsh, but he’s not used to his dad taking such a vested interest in his personal life.

“I just want you to be happy,” his dad tells him. “To know you have someone to look after you. To love. I’m not going to be here forever, you know.”

“Yeah I know,” TK says. “But you’re not going anywhere for a long time, okay? So just, quit being so morbid.” Something is off about the smile his dad gives him then. “Dad?”

“There’s something I need to tell you.”

TK’s world tilts, and he feels like he’s falling and drowning all at once. He can’t catch his breath, and it has little to do with the fact that he’s running through the dark streets. There’s an itching beneath his skin, a need to make the pain stop. He stumbles and lets out a sob, leaning against the wall next to him. His dad’s words replaying over and over in his head. 

He has cancer. He’s dying. TK is going to lose him. And he can’t… god he can’t do this. He wipes at his eyes and pushes off the wall. He doesn’t even think about where he’s going. He just knows he needs to get off the streets before he does something stupid and makes things worse.

He stops, looking up at the familiar house. He debates leaving, but the thought of going to back his empty apartment and having to be alone with his thoughts, terrifies him. He thinks about what his dad had said, back before the cancer bomb, and sighs.

It’s probably shit timing with everything that’s going on, especially considering how messed up he is right now, but it doesn’t matter. Life is too damn short anyway. Tonight proved that.

He walks up to the door and knocks, waiting for Carlos’ familiar footfalls from inside.

Carlos opens the door, and frowns out at him. “TK?”

"I pretend that a lot of shit doesn't get to me," TK says, walking past Carlos and into his house. 

"Okay?"

"I do, because that's the only way I know how to keep going," TK says looking over at him. "Because otherwise it'll be too much and I'm not strong enough to handle it."

"You don't always have to be strong, TK." The soft touch of Carlos' fingers against his skin has TK closing his eyes. "You can let people in. Let me in. Let me take care of you."

The no is ready on TK's tongue, but he holds it back. For so long he's thought he had do this alone so he wasn't a burden on anyone, but maybe he's been wrong. Or at least that's what his therapist has been trying to tell him. And his dad. The thought of his dad has his throat tightening.

"Okay."

The fingers still in their movement for a moment before gently wrapping around his wrist. Carlos gives a light tug and TK follows, eyes still closed as he battles with the emotions raging inside him. Fear. Grief. Anger.

"You can sit down," Carlos says.

It's then that TK notices the feeling of the couch behind him. When did it get to be so familiar? Familiar enough that he doesn't even have to look as he sinks back into it. He just trusts that it'll be there, much like its owner, he realizes.

“My dad has cancer,” TK whispers, his throat clenching around the words, wanting to hold them back. As if not saying them can make it any less true. “He’s dying.”

“I’m so sorry,” Carlos says, resting a gentle hand on his back. “What do you need?”

“I…” TK stops, sorting through his jumbled thoughts and trying to think of what he does need in this moment. He’d come here for a reason. “Can you just hold me?”

“Of course.” Carlos’ arm shifts, wrapping around TK’s shoulders and pulling him closer. 

TK sinks into his arms. He tucks his face against his neck, feeling the tears he’s been holding back break free as sobs wrack his body. Carlos holds him through it, running a hand down his back and through his hair, his voice quietly soothing him. 

“It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

And TK knows he does. 

He knows the sudden vulnerability doesn’t mean a happy ending for either of them. There’s still so much to work through, and more pain to come. Some of the worst pain TK has ever felt. Something he’ll never be ready for. But he knows he’s not alone in this. He doesn’t have to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos/comments make my day 💜  
> [My tumblr](http://tabbytabbytabby.tumblr.com/)


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